Stay out of Arizona: math prodigy warned

TUCSON,Ariz.- This has been a week that has seen Gov. Jan Brewer (R-Ariz.) wallow determinedly into a swampland of political gaffes and missteps. Most campaigns would at this point take a step back, reevaluate their message and hope that their candidate does not commit any more faux pas.

Apparently, Ms. Brewer did not get that memo.

In what political observers are describing as unprecedented and mind boggling, the governor earlier today issued a cliche filled warning to Arran Fernandez, a 15-year-old mathematics prodigy who is set to become the youngest undergraduate student at the University of Cambridge in England.

The warning read in part:
 

I will not in my capacity as the governor shark (sic) my responsibilities by allowing  another Mexican to take away an educational opportunity from struggling Americans. I have a duty to make sure that this Fernandez kid should not be allowed to cross the border on his way to Cambridge. I am therefore asking all  law enforcement officers to arrest this kid as soon as they lay eyes on him. Or if they smell a rat.

This kid might be as smart as a whip and might be in the limelight at the moment but him and his kind have for too long been sucking dry our tit which is dripping with the milk of human kindness. That is why I am not beating around the bush-or should I say the Arizona desert- any longer. I want this whizz kid arrested on first sight.

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It will be hard, even impossible for the Brewer campaign to explain how or why the governor assumed that Fernandez is a Mexican who is trying to enter the country illegally. Even more baffling is the governor's assumption that Cambridge is an American university.

Did she confuse the world acclaimed college with a similarly named city in Massachusetts? Hard to speculate as information coming from her camp is sketchy and hard to verify.

A spokesman for Hernandez declined comment saying only that the teen is currently in talks with the British royal family who have offered to adopt him after news of his admission to Cambridge started filtering in.

"The Queen is deeply disappointed with the current crop of  relatives that she has to provide for everyday ," the spokesman said speaking on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the conversation.

"But so long as my name is David Kenworthy, I will continue making sure that what the Queen wants, the queen will get," he added.

Meanwhile, in an effort to stem the growing menace of tardiness spreading over the north east, the goverment is urging Americans to flip over their calender pages at the end of each month.

(Additional reporting by Adrian KilPatrick in Hawaii.)

Vatican moves HQs to Kabul, cites better work enviroment

Vatican City- In what experts describe as a business savvy move, the Catholic Church today announced the relocation of it's corporate headquarters from it's long time enclave in Italy to a yet to be named valley in the suburbs of Kabul, Afghanistan.

In a hastily convened news briefing outside a coffee shop a few blocks from St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican spokesman Monsignor Vitteli Zambino said the move was a response to recent reports that business operating costs in Afghanistan were at a historic low.

"The church is a forward looking organisation," Zambino said. "We hope this move will free more capital especially now that we have legal bills from all the global scandals we are involved in at present."

He declined to give further details.

However,cursory investigations by some news outlets point to a much grimier reason for the Vatican's sudden and unexplained relocation.

Long time church follower Lombardi Mementos said recent reports of an entrenched paedophilia ring in the central Asian nation must have been a major factor in the decision.

"Apparently,sex with young defenseless boys is an accepted part of the country's traditions," Mementos said citing a recent news report.

The report, found here, points to severe sexual malfeasance that seems to stretch to the highest echelons of Afghanistan's political and religious power.

"It is pretty obvious that the Catholic Church wants a piece of that pie,"
Mementos said. He added that as a former priest, he was aware of the inconveniences involved when trying to find love among European altar boys who often had "more than a rudimentary knowledge of the law."

"Those kinds of kids have a tendency of suing when they are all grown up and are therefore less desirable for long term relationships," he said.

Not so in Afghanistan, it seems.

In what appears to be unrelated news, the Chilean government today issued a harshly worded statement condemning hurricane and other weather related incidents off it's western coast.

(Additional reporting provided by Alexand'ro Sanchez in Santiago.)

"Save my presidency," Obama pleads

Washington, DC- In what was described by witnesses as a "bizarre incident" , President Obama today beseeched leaders of four middle eastern countries to play their part in saving his floundering presidency after a week that saw his popularity numbers hit a new all time low.

The leaders- who were gathered at the Whitehouse for an Israeli-Palestinian peace forum- were accosted by a tearful Mr Obama as they entered the Oval Office for what they thought was a briefing by the president and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/09/01/mideast.peace.talks/index.html?hpt=T2

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas is said to be in shock after Mr. Obama fell on the floor and grabbed him by the leg as he grovelled for "one more chance."

"He won't let go," Abbas told reporters afterwards. "He kept going on and on about showing those FoxNews people that he could do something right for once. Very strange."

"You should have seen what he did to Hoss," Abbas added apparently refering to Egypt's leader Hosni Mubarak.

Benjamin Netanyahu, the normally unflappable Israeli prime minister, expressed disgust at the incident.

"I always thought the guy was kinda cuckoo," Netanyahu said as he pointed at his temple and made a rapid circular motion with his finger. "I obviously overestimated his intelligence."

Jordan's King Abdullah II declined to comment, saying he was more focused on putting his nation's armed forces on high alert. When asked why he would go to such extreme lenghths, the king said he might have inadvertently kicked Mr. Obama in the groin to free himself from what he thought was a hug that went on longer than is normally expected during such meetings.

Whitehouse Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed the incident as nothing more than a "bunch of dudes doing what dudes do best, which is fuck around and talk about girls."

Unprompted, Gibbs went on to accuse FoxNews personality Glen Beck of hijacking the constitution.

"The man thinks he has a right to say whatever he wants to say," Gibbs charged.

(This is breaking news. The article will be updated as we learn more.)