Washington, D.C.- The Institute of Public Opinion is reporting that Americans are for the most part hugely disappointed that alleged would be assassin Jared Lee Loughner is not Muslim.
Poll results released this morning show that 75% of Americans initially thought and hoped that the shooting in Tucson, Arizona had been perpetrated by a person with Islamic ties while 24% assumed the shooter was an illegal immigrant, possibly Mexican.
"This is a huge blow to our nation's psyche," Fox News news analyst Juan Williams said in a statement released to the press.
"We needed this kind of incident to vilify us and put us back on the soapbox of self righteousness. Too bad this Loughner guy wasn't named Abdul or Bin Somebody or other," a clearly dejected Williams remarked in his Fox News show Let's Roll.
Williams- who is best known to Americans as the guy who described "Muslim garbed" people as potential terrorists- added that it was his fervent hope that the next massacre would be carried out by someone "other than a John Smith."
"All the Hassans and Gonzalezes of this world need to step up. We are relying on you. How are we going to help you if you can't help us. I know some of you are decent people. But you need to do something dramatic. How else are we expected to make you feel important if some white kid from suburbia beats you to the punch?" Williams wondered.
Other prominent observers of the American political scene were cautiously optimistic. Sean Hannity- also of Fox News - told a gathering of Tea Party supporters in Houston, Texas that it was only "a matter of time before some bastard in the middle east takes credit for that Arizona thing. Until then we have to be patient."
In another development, Sarah Palin- the republican frontrunner for 2012 presidential party nomination- released a statement urging the CIA to come up with "something, anything" to link the shooter with a local mosque, preferable one close to the ground zero Islamic Center in Lower Manhattan.
"Why am I paying taxes if they (CIA) can't refudiate claims that the shooter fell through the cracks because our mental health system is basically third string?" she asked.
An anonymous source at the agency said that efforts to connect the shooting with an international conspiracy were being thwarted by the Whitehouse.
"Can you believe that those guys actually want us to look at the facts? They obviously don't understand that we don't work that way. That is not how the world works. Unbelievable," the source added.
(Additional reporting provided by Luke Sevina in Buenos Aires, Argentina.)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Arizona shootings spark scramble for roles in potential movie
Elvista, CA- Hundreds of the best known names in Hollywood gathered today at the studios of renowned film producer Oliver Stone after word leaked out that auditions were being held for the cast of a new movie depicting the recent shooting in Arizona that killed six and wounded 14 more including congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (D-Az).
A source at the scene described the mood as "oddly festive" as the gathered throng waited to be called infront of three judges whose job was to narrow the field to more manageable numbers for the upcoming movie. The movie - which is tentatively titled "No Loughner Matter" after the alleged shooter Jared Lee Loughner- is set to be be released before the first anniversary of the shooting in 2012, according to the source.
"I thought I was on the stage of American Idol," the informant said. "You walk into the room, they hand you a one paragraph script and you recite the lines. If you get it right, they give you a date to come back for what they call a final audition."
Among those in top contention to play the congresswoman is Hollywood alumni Gwyneth Paltrow who this weekend claimed a personal stake in the incident when she declared that Giffords was a close family member whom she had never met.
“ I've seen her on C-SPAN 1 a couple of times. She's has some good hair. I guess it runs in the family,” Paltrow said to a group of fans who turned up at her Malibu home to offer comfort after news of the shooting started trickling in Saturday night.
Ms. Paltrow, who was on her way to take her dog Fifi for a walk at an exclusive country club park where she is a member, assured the anxious crowd that she was in good health.
"Don't worry about me," she said. "Me and Fifi will be just fine. My 24 hour security detail is doing an excellent job."
She urged the crowd to keep her in their prayers.
"I don't care about any of the millions of dollars I will be paid if I get to play the lead role in any upcoming movie. Who knows, if I work hard enough they might even turn this into a sequel!"
Not to mention a musical on Broadway, she added.
Refusing to be outdone, ordinary Americans are trying to cash in on the situation in what one Arizonan described as a “brisk” cottage industry revolving around the shooting.
“People are selling t shirts, bumper stickers, towels- you name it,” said the Arizonan who refused to be named because of trademark issues.
The Arizonan said he had seen several slogans spring up in the ensuing aftermath of the shooting.
"Two heads are better than one", and "I did not duck because I did not want lose my hat" are some of the bestsellers, added the Arizonan.
In another development, a man who claimed to have been born in the same hospital as the shooter claimed today he always had a bad feeling about Loughner.
“I always had my suspicions about that guy. Don't know why, I just did,” said the now 22 year old Bill Mastikovic of Phoenix, Arizona who last saw Loughner at a peewee football game about a decade ago. He added that he hopes actor Leonardo DiCaprio will get a role in the movie so he can play the role of Mastikovic.
“I am confident Oliver Stone will include something in the script about me trying to lead Loughner down the right path,” he added.
Meanwhile, the right wing of the Republican Party strongly denounced the alleged shooter after a tweeter message from an unidentified source claimed that Loughner might have Mexican blood in him after it emerged that he (Loughner) had a weakness for Mexican cuisine.
“You know I was begining to like this kid,” a prominent Republican operative said on condition of anonymity. “Now he is on his own.”
(Additional reporting by John O'Hare in El Paso, Texas.)
A source at the scene described the mood as "oddly festive" as the gathered throng waited to be called infront of three judges whose job was to narrow the field to more manageable numbers for the upcoming movie. The movie - which is tentatively titled "No Loughner Matter" after the alleged shooter Jared Lee Loughner- is set to be be released before the first anniversary of the shooting in 2012, according to the source.
"I thought I was on the stage of American Idol," the informant said. "You walk into the room, they hand you a one paragraph script and you recite the lines. If you get it right, they give you a date to come back for what they call a final audition."
Among those in top contention to play the congresswoman is Hollywood alumni Gwyneth Paltrow who this weekend claimed a personal stake in the incident when she declared that Giffords was a close family member whom she had never met.
“ I've seen her on C-SPAN 1 a couple of times. She's has some good hair. I guess it runs in the family,” Paltrow said to a group of fans who turned up at her Malibu home to offer comfort after news of the shooting started trickling in Saturday night.
Ms. Paltrow, who was on her way to take her dog Fifi for a walk at an exclusive country club park where she is a member, assured the anxious crowd that she was in good health.
"Don't worry about me," she said. "Me and Fifi will be just fine. My 24 hour security detail is doing an excellent job."
She urged the crowd to keep her in their prayers.
"I don't care about any of the millions of dollars I will be paid if I get to play the lead role in any upcoming movie. Who knows, if I work hard enough they might even turn this into a sequel!"
Not to mention a musical on Broadway, she added.
Refusing to be outdone, ordinary Americans are trying to cash in on the situation in what one Arizonan described as a “brisk” cottage industry revolving around the shooting.
“People are selling t shirts, bumper stickers, towels- you name it,” said the Arizonan who refused to be named because of trademark issues.
The Arizonan said he had seen several slogans spring up in the ensuing aftermath of the shooting.
"Two heads are better than one", and "I did not duck because I did not want lose my hat" are some of the bestsellers, added the Arizonan.
In another development, a man who claimed to have been born in the same hospital as the shooter claimed today he always had a bad feeling about Loughner.
“I always had my suspicions about that guy. Don't know why, I just did,” said the now 22 year old Bill Mastikovic of Phoenix, Arizona who last saw Loughner at a peewee football game about a decade ago. He added that he hopes actor Leonardo DiCaprio will get a role in the movie so he can play the role of Mastikovic.
“I am confident Oliver Stone will include something in the script about me trying to lead Loughner down the right path,” he added.
Meanwhile, the right wing of the Republican Party strongly denounced the alleged shooter after a tweeter message from an unidentified source claimed that Loughner might have Mexican blood in him after it emerged that he (Loughner) had a weakness for Mexican cuisine.
“You know I was begining to like this kid,” a prominent Republican operative said on condition of anonymity. “Now he is on his own.”
(Additional reporting by John O'Hare in El Paso, Texas.)
Friday, September 3, 2010
Stay out of Arizona: math prodigy warned
TUCSON,Ariz.- This has been a week that has seen Gov. Jan Brewer (R-Ariz.) wallow determinedly into a swampland of political gaffes and missteps. Most campaigns would at this point take a step back, reevaluate their message and hope that their candidate does not commit any more faux pas.
Apparently, Ms. Brewer did not get that memo.
In what political observers are describing as unprecedented and mind boggling, the governor earlier today issued a cliche filled warning to Arran Fernandez, a 15-year-old mathematics prodigy who is set to become the youngest undergraduate student at the University of Cambridge in England.
The warning read in part:
Did she confuse the world acclaimed college with a similarly named city in Massachusetts? Hard to speculate as information coming from her camp is sketchy and hard to verify.
A spokesman for Hernandez declined comment saying only that the teen is currently in talks with the British royal family who have offered to adopt him after news of his admission to Cambridge started filtering in.
"The Queen is deeply disappointed with the current crop of relatives that she has to provide for everyday ," the spokesman said speaking on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the conversation.
"But so long as my name is David Kenworthy, I will continue making sure that what the Queen wants, the queen will get," he added.
Meanwhile, in an effort to stem the growing menace of tardiness spreading over the north east, the goverment is urging Americans to flip over their calender pages at the end of each month.
(Additional reporting by Adrian KilPatrick in Hawaii.)
Apparently, Ms. Brewer did not get that memo.
In what political observers are describing as unprecedented and mind boggling, the governor earlier today issued a cliche filled warning to Arran Fernandez, a 15-year-old mathematics prodigy who is set to become the youngest undergraduate student at the University of Cambridge in England.
The warning read in part:
I will not in my capacity as the governor shark (sic) my responsibilities by allowing another Mexican to take away an educational opportunity from struggling Americans. I have a duty to make sure that this Fernandez kid should not be allowed to cross the border on his way to Cambridge. I am therefore asking all law enforcement officers to arrest this kid as soon as they lay eyes on him. Or if they smell a rat.It will be hard, even impossible for the Brewer campaign to explain how or why the governor assumed that Fernandez is a Mexican who is trying to enter the country illegally. Even more baffling is the governor's assumption that Cambridge is an American university.
This kid might be as smart as a whip and might be in the limelight at the moment but him and his kind have for too long been sucking dry our tit which is dripping with the milk of human kindness. That is why I am not beating around the bush-or should I say the Arizona desert- any longer. I want this whizz kid arrested on first sight.
.
Did she confuse the world acclaimed college with a similarly named city in Massachusetts? Hard to speculate as information coming from her camp is sketchy and hard to verify.
A spokesman for Hernandez declined comment saying only that the teen is currently in talks with the British royal family who have offered to adopt him after news of his admission to Cambridge started filtering in.
"The Queen is deeply disappointed with the current crop of relatives that she has to provide for everyday ," the spokesman said speaking on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the conversation.
"But so long as my name is David Kenworthy, I will continue making sure that what the Queen wants, the queen will get," he added.
Meanwhile, in an effort to stem the growing menace of tardiness spreading over the north east, the goverment is urging Americans to flip over their calender pages at the end of each month.
(Additional reporting by Adrian KilPatrick in Hawaii.)
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